It has been over two years since my last blog post and I have definitely missed this part of my life. I still think that maintaining a blog was one of the best things I did during my time abroad. Since I have been back in Atlanta, there have been so many times that I have written a blog post in my mind. However, I can't get on the computer without Charlie noticing and pulling constantly at my hands, so my computer time has become very limited.
I realize that I basically fell off the face of the earth after we moved back. Kyle and I both kept meaning to write our friends, but life was busy. And and then days turned into weeks, then months, and here we are nearly two years later. Part of the problem was that so much happened upon our return that it was overwhelming to even think about how to write an update. However, life has finally calmed down and I think that it is time.
Our update in a very small nutshell would be this:
Kyle got a job with the AJC as their conservative columnist. We bought a house just hours before it was to be foreclosed upon and auctioned on the courthouse steps. I served as the general contractor and found people to refinish the hardwoods, paint the whole interior of the house, consult about the chimney, re-tile the kitchen floor, install two HVAC units, perform duct work, paint the kitchen cabinets, and kill several large rodents. All of this was while Charlie was nine months old and being toted around on my hip.
The combination of being a new mother, moving back after almost five years abroad, and buying and fixing up a house proved to be too overwhelming. My brain shut down and I went into a deep depression. I realize that by writing this I am opening up a very private part of my life to the whole world. However, I write this frankly about my depression because I want people to know that they can talk to me about it if they are struggling as well. If you want to get an idea of what depression is like, I highly, highly recommend reading Undercurrents by Martha Manning.
Below is a blog post that I had started writing in April of 2010, eleven months after we had moved back. Those were the most difficult eleven months I have ever lived through. It hurts my heart to read the words and know how broken I felt. Over time I have mended but there will always be a scar on my heart from that time.
A friend that repatriated from Brussels a few years ago told us that it took him and his family a year to re-adjust to life in America. At the time I thought we would never need that much time -- come on, it is the USA, I've lived there for 25 years! However, he was definitely right. On May 2, 2010, we will have been back here for a year. Tonight, as I look back at this past year, I feel teary and fragile just thinking about it. By far, this has been the hardest year of my life. You know how you can have a large scratch on your body that has scabbed over and fallen off, but the new skin is still pink and tender? That tender skin is how my heart feels looking back at this year. There have just been too many dramatic changes for my brain and heart to process. I am now finally feeling a bit like my old self, but still so fragile. I look back at the pace of my previous life compared to my present life: Paris, Venice, chateau, cruise, Istanbul; and now, diaper, food, bottle, poop, babbling. They are each rich in their own ways. I first saw the incredible world and now I see the incredible creation of life. However, they are so dramatically different. Recently I was thinking about how my mind was opened to so many things while in Europe -- people, places, languages, politics, customs. I feel like my brain has become stagnant now. Some evenings I can't even remember what Charlie and I did that day, it is all so repetitive. However, (and by no means am I claiming to predict God's plan) I feel like I am now leading a very boring life, but I have become much more religious. Perhaps God wanted me to finally slow down so that I could focus on Him rather than His world. I love seeing the little things Charlie does -- how he studies a piece of grass or looks up at me in absolute delight when he has figured out something new. I guess this is just the circle of time, a constant ebb and flow, but I am glad to hopefully be heading toward some smooth waters this year.
Luckily, I did finally hit smoother waters. Charlie started a mothers morning out program which gave me a much needed break, we finally stopped doing house projects every weekend, and I started taking some very helpful medicine (which was the largest contributor to lifting me out of my darkness).
Life is great now and I am so happy to be back to my normal self. Our life is busy with friends, family, work, church, school and fun. Hopefully I will be able to update the blog a little more often since we have a second Wingfield boy arriving in February!
