Wearing me down

I have loved living "in" the city for the past four years. It has been such a different experience for me to be able to take public transportation everywhere, walk to the grocery store, and feel like I have everything at my fingertips. However, I am starting to realize why people with kids live in the suburbs.

This morning I finished feeding Charlie at 6:45am and had him all warm and cozy up against my chest. Just as I was thinking of how nice it was, I heard the construction trucks getting going outside. As much as I was annoyed at hearing them, I feel lucky because it reminded me that our car was parked in a temporary no parking zone and that they would start towing at 7am. So I had to put Charlie down, wake up Kyle to tell him to listen out for Charlie and then get bundled up over my pajamas to go move the car. By the grace of God I was able to find a spot very easily, but I came two inches away from stepping in a huge pile of dog poop as I got out of my car.

After an early start this morning I continued my day with taking Charlie on a walk. Our stroller is great on the cobblestones, but since every part of Brussels seems to be under road construction I found myself having to walk in the street because so many sidewalks are torn up (of course the whole time I am also trying to still dodge dog poop). After an eventful walk I carried a bag of groceries in one arm, Charlie in the other, and a pack of toilet paper wedged between Charlie's body and my chin up 50 stairs. By the third flight I could feel my thighs burning. I tried to be positive and think about how I was fitting in a work out on top of it all but I will admit that a one floor house with a garage in the suburbs is sounding pretty good right now.

And since I know some of you would rather just see a picture of Charlie instead of my rant, here he is sleeping in his bassinet after coming in from a walk. Notice where his socks are.

Are you ready for some football?

Because Charlie is. Go Dawgs!!!

Gators wear jean shorts!

Charlie is already ready for a UGA fraternity -- he heard it was cool to pop your collar and act totally uninterested in anything.

You did what????

What Charlie might sound like if we lived in the UK. Click here.

Tears on my pillow, pain in my heart, caused by you

In the last three weeks Kyle and I have had to take each of our parents to the airport to fly back across the ocean and thus be far, far away from their only grandchild. And let me tell you that if you want to have your heart ripped out and feel absolutely awful, this is the way to do it. (I'm crying right now even as I type this). Of course our parents have been wonderful about it and have never said anything like, "Why do you choose to live across the ocean?!?!?!" However, just seeing how lovingly they look and coo at Charlie is enough to know how painful it is for them to say goodbye.


I try to remind myself that if we lived on the west coast of the US it might still take them just as long to get travel for a visit, but that thought doesn't offer much comfort. Something about an ocean really adds to the feeling of distance.


We have loved living over here and both consider it to be one the best experiences of our lives, but being this far away from family, especially now, has been one of the worst.

Not exactly Kyle Vila and Emily Stewart

I think one of the reasons Kyle and I get along so well is that we each come from very similar backgrounds. Both sets of our parents think similarily about money, values and family. And what they all really have in common is that they are all very hard workers. And yet in all the thirty years of being raised by amazing moms and dads, somehow Kyle and I both missed the home improvement project gene. We are both pretty content to live with things that are not 100% functional just so we don't have to put out the effort to fix or decorate something. We have lived in this apartment for over four years and during that whole time a ledge/shelf in our kitchen has been partially detached -- so much so that everytime we have people over we have to ask them not to lean on the ledge for fear of it breaking off. Now you might think that in 1460 days of living here we would get tired enough of the wobbly ledge that we would fix it, but no. Instead we took trips, took naps, played Cribbage, did crossword puzzles, knitted, read and basically did anything but a home improvement project.


And then our parents arrived for a total of three weeks. In that time they have fixed a toilet seat, hung a hook for my hairdryer, caulked the kitchen counter, painted a chest of drawers and the changing table, installed shelving, made drawer pulls for a chest, rearranged the living room and of course, fixed the ledge. Hopefully the home improvement gene only skips a generation and maybe Charlie will be the next Bob Vila.

Happy One Month Birthday!

Charlie is one month old today! In some ways it fully feels like a month has passed and in other ways I still can't believe it. Below is a photo on the day Charlie was born. Since we didn't find out the sex beforehand I had to pack a neutral outfit for the baby to wear (in Belgium you have to bring your own baby clothes, even for the baby to wear immediately after being born.)

It turned out the outfit was way too big. I hadn't thought about the fact that a baby has been in such a tight space for 9 months so of course his legs stayed squished up against his body instead of filling out the bottom part of the outfit. Below is a photo of how his legs stayed for about two and a half weeks.

But in the last few weeks he has really started to kick his legs and stretch out. Just recently I tried to put the same outfit on him and when he stretched his legs it was too tight on him!

Here is he all stretched out and looking at bit confused.

Happy one month Charlie!

Although I haven't been posting much, we are still surviving over here in Brussels! My mom left on the 8th and the Wingfields arrived on the 15th so we only had one week to make it on our own. We did well on our solo week, but not much got done around the house. I have been using this week with the Wingfields to try and get everything done on my very long list of tasks (changing out my maternity clothes for my regular clothes (yay!), getting Charlie's clothes sorted and his room together and lots of other little things). Charlie is eating every three to four hours and has been staying busy eating, sleeping and pooping.

The Wingfields meeting Charlie for the first time.

Three generations of Wingfields -- Burton Wingfield, Kyle Burton Wingfield and Charles Burton Wingfield.

I love this photo -- look at how Charlie's little feet stick out. He loves being held in his Mimi's arms. (Sherrie has had a cold and being a wonderful grandmother, she has worn a mask the whole time to make sure Charlie doesn't catch it.)

Charlie likes to tell me his thoughts about things, although right now we don't speak the same language. Luckily I am used to not being able to communicate in a foreign language so it doesn't bother me too much.

Kyle and I took Charlie out to lunch on Valentine's Day. It was a bit nerve wracking worrying he would cry in the restaurant, but of course he was a perfect angel and slept the whole time. We had a great time using our new stroller and Charlie seemed to enjoy it too.

Kyle in front of his favorite Brussels house with his favorite boy.

Multi-taskers hard at work

Charlie was needing a cuddle last night as Kyle was finishing up work. I had some stuff to get done so Kyle was helpful in holding him while still finishing up his edit pages. Apparently Charlie takes after his dad in his ability to multi-task. Just today as I had undone his diaper to change him Charlie spit up, kept pooping and peed on himself all at the same time. Top that one Kyle!

To market to market to buy a fat pig

When my mom was here this past Wednesday we decided to take our first adventure outside with Charlie. And what better place to go than my favorite thing about living here -- the Wednesday market! Kyle's mom had given me a wonderful sling so we bundled Charlie up and headed out. The second he felt the cold air but was all warm against my chest he was fast asleep.Snug as a bug in a rug. Speaking of bugs, Charlie reminds us of a little roly poly the way his body just curls up into a little ball sometimes.

Here is Charlie buying his first quiche (although I don't think he remembers much about the experience.)

My favorite vegetable guy getting to meet Charlie.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone/Gone are the dark clouds that held me down/It's going to be a bright, bright, bright, bright sun shinny day.

The lines from that song have been echoing in my mind ever since this past Wednesday. Up until that point I really hadn't been doing very well. The baby blues are definitely real and hit me pretty hard the first two weeks. I wanted to enjoy Charlie, but I felt like I was living under a dark cloud. When depression hits me I feel like I am looking at the world with dark sunglasses on. The best way to show it to those that haven't experienced this feeling is in this photo.

This is how the world sees such a sweet moment.

And when I am depressed, this is how I see it.

After the delivery I had some complications so I wasn't feeling great those first few days in the hospital. Then the breastfeeding didn't go well and then I started pumping which was both painful and an incredible hassle. And just as we were feeling like we had slightly gotten the hang of things after six days in the hospital, we had to come home.

You know in movies when a person gets pushed off the roof of a building and falls to the ground with their arms and legs flailing all around them and a look of fear on their face? That is exactly what I felt like the first night we were home with Charlie. Luckily my parents were here to help after that, but the first night home shook me so much that I really didn't recover well from it. 'Overwhelmed' is the best word to describe how I felt the first two weeks.

Charlie's cries unnerved me to no end and made me want to run from the apartment. Between the sterilizing bottles and pumping every three to four hours I felt like I never actually got time to enjoy Charlie -- I was just the cow. I got envious and a bit resentful of watching Kyle and my mom get to feed Charlie, sit and stare at him in wonder and awe, and enjoy watching him grow while I was just in pain, tired, and overwhelmed. I cried all the time and couldn't stop. If I hadn't been so depressed I would have wanted to laugh seeing my parents and Kyle try to act like it was totally normal to come in and see me sitting at the kitchen table with a pile of used tissues surrounding me. At one point I actually told myself, "Emily, the mom always gets the crappy end of the deal. Just accept that it is going to suck for you and be nice for everyone else." But then I decided that I didn't want to accept that kind of attitude. I wanted to enjoy Charlie and the only way I could do that was to stop pumping and just give him formula. So on Wednesday Kyle went to the pharmacy and got the formula and by the time he came home I was like a new woman.

I was happy to hold Charlie. I wanted to spend all my time looking at his little hands and feet. His crys didn't bother me anymore. I loved having my body back to myself and being able to eat and drink whatever I wanted. I felt free. And by feeling free, I felt happy and hopeful and I saw the bright, shinny world (or as bright as it gets in Brussels :)

In one way I am embarassed to write this and show such a vulnerable side, but when I was so depressed I just felt so alone. I was able switch to formula partly because one of my best friends had done the same thing when her baby was three weeks. I guess even at 29 years old you worry about what your friends think because once I knew she had used formula, I felt like I could. So I'm writing all of this to let anyone else out there in the same situation know that it is ok to look out for yourself and still take into account your own needs. Yes, Charlie could still be having breastmilk right now, but he would also have a mother that was sobbing uncontrollably and not enjoying any bit of his amazing life. Instead, he drinks formula and has a crazy mom that take photos of him, make up silly songs, laugh when he pees on her and kisses all over him.

A friend recently wrote me who had a baby at the same time as me. Breastfeeding isn't working out for her and she said, "I feel like such a failure." It broke my heart to hear that. Why are women so hard on themselves? I hate seeing the lack of mothering self confidence in some of my friends who I know are incredible mothers. Of course I will doubt myself at times with Charlie, but I hope I can always remember that I am doing the absolute best that I can and that if I am miserable and beating myself up then that is not good for either of us.

Photos from Charlie's first week

We have been good about taking photos but not as good about posting and sending them out. I am very confused as to what photos we have sent, what photos are on our computer chip versus the zip drive and which photos my dad took. In light of all of this, here are some photos from Charlie's first week that I don't think you have seen.

I can't believe I am actually posting this photo, but anyone that knows me (or anyone that is Southern) knows how important lipstick is. This picture is a testament to how incredibly wonderful an epidural is. I was at 9cm and the doctor was on her way to the delivery room and I felt so great that I was able to think ahead to the after birth photos and ask Kyle to get me my lipstick.

Turns out I didn't need the lipstick for those photos though because just after the birth I had to have some immediate extra surgery so we didn't get the classic family shot. Instead Kyle got to hold Charlie like this for a few hours while I was being tended to. I'm not sure if this is common in the States or not, but here it is a big thing to 'kangaroo' with your baby. Basically you unbutton your shirt and the baby is naked and you hold them against your skin.

Our first family picture, care of Kelly Willis on Charlie's second day of life.

My mom had the most precious shirts made that look like an old seed packet and say Wingfield Brussels Sprouts on them.

Charlie getting the OK to leave the hospital from our pediatrician on day six.

As close to being in an Us Weekly shot as I will ever get. My dad took this one as we were leaving the hospital.

Bringing Charlie back to his new home. It was a good thing we got this photo before we climbed the 50 stairs and not afterwards.

Sidewalk Saga

I had wanted to get Charlie used to noise and light while he sleeps so he would always be able to sleep anywhere. It turns out that our neighbors and the Brussels sidewalk department decided to help me in that goal. Since the day we arrived home from the hospital workmen have been tearing up the sidewalks on our street, dumping cobblestones in piles right outside our front door and then chipping away at them as they lay them down. As I write this the computer screen is actually shaking a little bit from all the vibrations of their work. And as if that weren't enough, the building next door (that is attached to ours) is undergoing a complete renovation. They start work promptly at 7am and their current project is to drill into the bricks that connect our two buildings. The sound is sometimes so loud that Kyle and I have to pause from our conversation and wait for them to finish just so we can hear each other.

We had been having Charlie sleep in a Moses basket in the living room and he was very good at sleeping through the noise, but today it just got to be too much. So below is a picture of Charlie asleep for the first time in his crib. Notice the tools I was using to try to get him to that state (and note that I succeeded!)

Charlie loves his hands for a little activity time or a snack or just when he is bored.


But I think his feet are the cutest.

Notice the new roll of fat under his chin. We can definitely tell he has put on weight.

Charlie, Week Three

Kyle and Charlie on their way to our first pediatrician visit. It had snowed that morning so we bundled him up. We were really happy to hear that he had gained almost 2.5 pounds (3.90 kilos) since he left the hospital a week before so he is now over 8 pounds and has also grown 2 inches.

Our little Russian baby. Even though he is growing like a weed, alot of the stuff we have is still too big for him. The hat is the warmest one we have and will most likely fit him next winter too!

Kyle received Charlie's first dual piece of clothing spit up (white on his chest and dark on his pants), so then it was time for a bath.

Dual parent bathing. Charlie hates being cold but after awhile he reaches a point where he stares into the distance and honestly looks like, "Ok, I hate this but it is not ending any time soon so I am just going to go to my happy place, suck really hard on my pacifier and let my parents do what they want to me." I haven't been able to fully capture the look on film yet, but it is one of my favorites.

Our sweet angel baby.

It has been an incredible help having my mom and dad here. When I was pregnant some people said, "Oh, you might want to have that first week with just you and Kyle so you can bond with the baby." Now I want to say to them, "You must be crazy!" We could not have survived this first week without my parents being here. It has been so nice to have other people to turn to and ask if they think something is normal or if we should try something different.

Between doing the night feedings and working on projects during the day they have barely gotten any sleep but they seem to be living on a "Charlie high." Dad headed back to the States on Monday but mom was able to extend her trip until this next Monday which is wonderful. (Many thanks to our aunt Missy for helping with all of that). Above is a photo of mom painting the changing table and dad working on our broken toilet seat.

The above photo documents common behavior that results from a Charlie-high.

I am so happy, but a bit surprised that Charlie has any resembalence to Kyle considering how strong my family's genes are. Kyle's family has some strong genes too, but we just assumed that the brunette gene would be more dominant than the blonde one. For once I am happy to be the loser.

Dad is the best Charlie-whisperer. His voice mesmerizes Charlie as he sings to him. For about ten minutes Charlie had his gaze locked on Dad and his little hand gripped on his finger as dad sang to him.

And then he drifted off to sleep.

But he never let go of his finger.

And now Charlie has a firm grip on all of our hearts too.