Wow, it has been a long time since I have written something on my blog. To be honest, I have thought about posting things several times, but I was worried that everything I posted would come out negative. When I started this blog ten (!!!) years ago, every day was an adventure. I was constantly meeting new people and discovering new places. My life consisted of sleeping in, taking tours, going to coffee, lunch and wine with friends, and loving every minute. (read a perfect example here). I loved my life and was so content.
Almost six years ago I gave birth to Charlie and my life turned upside down. He is a wonderful child but is very strong willed. In raising Charlie I have had to become assertive, decisive, and confident in my parenting. For someone that likes to go with the flow and hates conflict, this has been an uphill battle and completely against the grain of my personality.
Although there are many great moments with my boys, the reality is that I find motherhood very challenging. My favorite saying is, "Not all who wander are lost." I love to wander through life. Nothing makes me happier than discovering a new neighborhood or coffee shop. Unfortunately, children like schedules and routine which does not work well with wandering. As I have written many, many times in my journal, "I feel like I am constantly living by the clock. I have a deadline related to children at 6am, 7:15am, 7:30am, 9am, 12pm, 1:55pm, 2:05pm, 3pm, 6pm and 7:15pm." As you can see, that doesn't leave a lot of time for wandering.
Because I stay at home, I also feel like the housework never ends. The ironic part of this is that my house is not really even that clean! However, the kitchen never seems to close as we all eat 3 meals a day and then snacks in between. Sometimes I want to cry at the thought of going to the grocery store again and the never ending process of buying, cooking, cleaning, putting away and starting all over again for the next meal. I am not kidding when I say that I feel like being a stay at home mom feels like living in "Groundhog Day."
Now that Charlie is in school from 8-2:30pm every day I can finally understand why people say time flies. Time is not exactly flying by right now, but it is going much faster than when he and I spent every waking minute together. Finally seeing that naps, diapers and bottle do actually come to an end has made me enjoy my time at home with Owen more.
I posted on Facebook about my frustrations with the monotony of the motherhood, asking for some encouragement. My sweet friends wrote many kind and supportive words which helped remind me this time is not forever.
I was also fortunate to listen (for the second time) to a wonderful sermon by Andy Stanley called A Purpose and a Promise (the second sermon in his In The Meantime Series). It was just the perspective I needed to remember that although this seems like a stagnant, repetitive time, God always has a plan. I also know that God is constantly molding me and there will be a purpose to this time, even if I can't see it right now. I love to look back on my life and see how beautifully God has woven people, places and events together in a way that I never could have imagined. It gives me hope and happiness to think that in the distant future He might one day use my time of repetition and frustration in a way that brings Him glory that I never could have imagined.
Now if I can just remember to hold on to that truth when the diapers, laundry and dishes never seem to end.
