I haven't blogged about this too much because I just kind of think of it as my own internal battle. I guess I am also a bit embarassed about it too. But I have decided that I have my own scarlet letter when it comes to the French language. Never before have I had something that I felt this self-conscious about. I was always an average height and weight growing up. I wore glasses and braces, but was luckily somehow unaware of just how akward I looked in them. Basically I have always been just average enough to fit in with the crowd easily but still have my own personality.
But after living here I feel like I have more of an understanding of what people that are in a wheelchair or have a disability must feel like. I honestly feel like every time I walk into a place I have a big sign on my forehead that says, "American!!! Doesn't speak French!!!" You know how you think everyone notices something about you when in reality everyone is too concerned with themselves to worry about other people? When I am thinking clearly I know that other people don't spend all their time berating me in their minds for not speaking French, but when I am down on myself I feel like that is all they think about.
We took 40 hours' worth of French lessons in our first year here and it was a really scarring experience. I got so frustrated that I cried in the middle of about four different lessons with the teacher. I would sit at the kitchen table trying to do my homework and just cry because it made no sense to me. I only passsed grammar lessons in my previous schooling because I did every single extra credit assignment possible and I think the teachers just felt sorry for me. To this day I still don't fully understand what an adverb is. And to think I am married to a journalist! I thought I was through with these frustrated feelings of learning after graduating college!!!
In the two and a half years we have lived here I have definitely picked up some French. The frustrating part is that I can usually understand some of what is going on, but I have so much trouble ever responding to anything. Recently we were in a cab where the guy wanted to help us with our French, even though we had definitely not asked. I could understand every one of his questions, but could never put together more of a response other than "oui" or "non." When you are someone who likes to talk, nothing is more frustrating than just sitting there having so many thoughts racing through your head and only being able to say one-word answers.
I feel like I am two completely different people while living in Brussels. When I am with my friends I have the bubbly, happy, talkative personality that comes naturally. And then I step outside. I don't chat with the waitresses. I purposely try to avoid making eye contact with anyone so that they won't think to ask me anything. I basically make every effort just to stay in my own little bubble and not make contact with anyone.
I am especially envious of other expats who knew some French before they got here. Recently I met a woman that said, "Yeah, I feel embarassed because I only had six years of French between high school and college so I can't fully communicate with everyone here." I wanted to scream, "Woman! I thought that oui was spelled we before I got over here so stop your complaining!"
One of the good things about not speaking French and basically just not being in control of a situation is that I do everything with 110% effort. I just took a yoga class where the guy walked around the whole time and corrected your position while talking. Never before have I tried so hard to do a position perfectly just so he wouldn't come talk to me in front of the class.
I liken French to working out and eating right -- we could all be incredibly fit and healthy if we just put in the effort and worked at it, but we don't. We don't want to spend the time and energy it takes to get the results. I look back over my time here and think of when I have invited my friends to a luncheon or a chateau tour and they couldn't make it because they had French lessons. Now they know more French than I do, butI have the memories and experiences of doing a lot of really neat things here. As much as I hate that every single day I beat myself up for not knowing French, I like to think that although my capacity for French has not increased in our time here, my capacity for understanding and sympathizing with other people's shortcomings has.
PS--I am sure many of you out there are thinking, "Well stop complaining about it and do something!" I just signed up for another semester of classes starting in September so hopefully that will help. My friend Sheila has written a great post about these same types of feelings while learning Italian. Click here to read it.
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