The lines from that song have been echoing in my mind ever since this past Wednesday. Up until that point I really hadn't been doing very well. The baby blues are definitely real and hit me pretty hard the first two weeks. I wanted to enjoy Charlie, but I felt like I was living under a dark cloud. When depression hits me I feel like I am looking at the world with dark sunglasses on. The best way to show it to those that haven't experienced this feeling is in this photo.
This is how the world sees such a sweet moment.
And when I am depressed, this is how I see it.After the delivery I had some complications so I wasn't feeling great those first few days in the hospital. Then the breastfeeding didn't go well and then I started pumping which was both painful and an incredible hassle. And just as we were feeling like we had slightly gotten the hang of things after six days in the hospital, we had to come home.
You know in movies when a person gets pushed off the roof of a building and falls to the ground with their arms and legs flailing all around them and a look of fear on their face? That is exactly what I felt like the first night we were home with Charlie. Luckily my parents were here to help after that, but the first night home shook me so much that I really didn't recover well from it. 'Overwhelmed' is the best word to describe how I felt the first two weeks.
Charlie's cries unnerved me to no end and made me want to run from the apartment. Between the sterilizing bottles and pumping every three to four hours I felt like I never actually got time to enjoy Charlie -- I was just the cow. I got envious and a bit resentful of watching Kyle and my mom get to feed Charlie, sit and stare at him in wonder and awe, and enjoy watching him grow while I was just in pain, tired, and overwhelmed. I cried all the time and couldn't stop. If I hadn't been so depressed I would have wanted to laugh seeing my parents and Kyle try to act like it was totally normal to come in and see me sitting at the kitchen table with a pile of used tissues surrounding me. At one point I actually told myself, "Emily, the mom always gets the crappy end of the deal. Just accept that it is going to suck for you and be nice for everyone else." But then I decided that I didn't want to accept that kind of attitude. I wanted to enjoy Charlie and the only way I could do that was to stop pumping and just give him formula. So on Wednesday Kyle went to the pharmacy and got the formula and by the time he came home I was like a new woman.
I was happy to hold Charlie. I wanted to spend all my time looking at his little hands and feet. His crys didn't bother me anymore. I loved having my body back to myself and being able to eat and drink whatever I wanted. I felt free. And by feeling free, I felt happy and hopeful and I saw the bright, shinny world (or as bright as it gets in Brussels :)
In one way I am embarassed to write this and show such a vulnerable side, but when I was so depressed I just felt so alone. I was able switch to formula partly because one of my best friends had done the same thing when her baby was three weeks. I guess even at 29 years old you worry about what your friends think because once I knew she had used formula, I felt like I could. So I'm writing all of this to let anyone else out there in the same situation know that it is ok to look out for yourself and still take into account your own needs. Yes, Charlie could still be having breastmilk right now, but he would also have a mother that was sobbing uncontrollably and not enjoying any bit of his amazing life. Instead, he drinks formula and has a crazy mom that take photos of him, make up silly songs, laugh when he pees on her and kisses all over him.
A friend recently wrote me who had a baby at the same time as me. Breastfeeding isn't working out for her and she said, "I feel like such a failure." It broke my heart to hear that. Why are women so hard on themselves? I hate seeing the lack of mothering self confidence in some of my friends who I know are incredible mothers. Of course I will doubt myself at times with Charlie, but I hope I can always remember that I am doing the absolute best that I can and that if I am miserable and beating myself up then that is not good for either of us.
5 comments:
I have never heard, or seen, a clearer description of depression. Emmy, your honest account of the first few weeks of motherhood will help so many people. So often we think we are the only ones with depressive feelings ~ when really we are part of a silent group, afraid to be honest, for fear others will judge them.
I am so proud of you and Kyle, and Charlie is lucky to have you!
Emily, thank you for sharing. I had such guilt when i realized breastfeeding was not going to happen for my son and it was all for no reason. It is way more important to be there for our children!! I have a very healthy 3 year old who was bottle fed PLUS my husband and parents got to help with the feedings. Thanks for sharing your story!
My first child too ~ doctor urged me to switch to formula because my girl wasn't gaining her birth weight back. I felt like a failure, I wanted to continue so badly, but I had to realize not every one is made the same and it was just the way it was supposed to be. Once I switched, it was love for everyone. Glad you made the choice that was right for you. You are a great Mommy! Good post.
You Are The Coolest!
Not only for every honest word in this post, but also for finding the time to post it and keeping true to your dedication of this blog!!!
Anyway, you know my story, but I just have to say there is NOT enough honesty out their not only from mothers, but from health professionals as well. If a nurse would not have come in on the second day of my second son's life and said point blank "This is not going to work for you naturally and here are your options..." I would have tried, hurt, cried, hurt and then given up in a dark depression as I did for months with my first son. You need to be there for your child, but also remember you have yourself to care for! Like they say in the preflight info. Put your oxygen mask on before helping your child or someone else! This counts for EVERYTHING in motherhood. I will say "Mother's do take a lot of S#$% though and next time you are feeling dark, remember this! I AM JUST A FEW BLOCKS AWAY AND ALWAYS UP FOR A COFFEE AND A B#tch! Love Ya Jules
Bless you, Emily. To be so honest, so expressive, and so in tune with what you and Charlie (and Kyle) ultimately need. These first weeks - and months for us! - are hard, full, exhausting, exhilarating, wonderful and overwhelming - and you need to do what's best for each of you. Charlie is lucky to have you as his Momma and I know you feel blessed to have him as your son. Big hugs...
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